Well, it’s been awhile. I’m not even sure when the last time I posted was……I suppose I could start all over, I guess I should – as my title, oneofthree will no longer be valid soon. Hrm, I shall be filing for divorce soon. A little over two years into a marriage, and it’s being reduced down to about 20 papers and a whole bunch of numbers. Sigh.
I know it’s for the best, I know that, but it doesn’t make it easier. I just can’t live with him anymore. For the past 8 months I’ve tried to tell him – I’ve tried to have the “I’m not happy” conversation, and he buried his head into the sand and ignored it. My uncle past away, and he refused to go to the funeral with me. My mom got sick, and he didn’t want to go to the family reunion which was the first time I would have seen her since she really got sick – or at least, the first time after they figured out what was wrong with her. And he’s not a nice person when he’s drunk. He’s one of those, I can say anything when I’m drunk, and it shouldn’t matter – you shouldn’t hold it against me the next day b/c I was drunk……well, for awhile I attempted to go along with that, until about a month ago when he said something that just couldn’t be taken back. Something I could never and will never forget, nor forgive. And I know, I know, you are supposed to forgive. And perhaps, perhaps in time I will, but not now.
I went back to the house today. My intention was to grab some more things to tide me over until I get my own place. I’m staying with a co-worker at the moment. And he left me a letter on my jewelry box. Why is it now that he realizes everything that went wrong? Why is that. Why do people take others for granted, and ignore symptoms that could have been corrected and solved months ago – why do they wait until it’s gone to a place where you can’t take it back? So I ended up curling up on my side of the bed – which is still made up as I left it, and balled for awhile. I think today was the first time I really cried over the failure of my marriage. And I feel like a failure. I’ve never really failed at anything before. And I sure didn’t want to start with my marriage.
Ah to be 30 and divorced. What a fabulous time in my life. I must admit, I am having some fun being able to reconnect with friends and co-workers that I ignored by request of the soon to be ex. And it is a little freeing to be able to go back to doing what I want, when I want to. But that freedom isn’t perfect. I would much rather go back to a year ago when I was happy, when we were happy. I would trade all the freedom and fun in the world to go back to that place.
I miss him. I miss his smell. I miss his face. I miss laughing until 4am on the weekends, or the random weeknight. I miss us, the us that left over a year ago.